Cracked Jade Glasses

Ramblings on Happiness

I've never been a Happy person this is fact so maybe that's why I don't understand everyone's preoccupation with finding it. My entire life all I've heard about is attaining everlasting joy or following your bliss. And if that works for you that's fine do what you do. If those are the goals you choose to set for yourself that is great for you. Just don't expect me to come along for the ride. It's not that I dislike Happy people or am jealous or something like that. I just find maintaining that and watching others forcibly maintain that exhausting. Maybe that's on me for thinking that but flying that high all the time makes you look like you are burning whatever other emotions you may have and are using them to propel it. And it brings me to a question no one including myself can answer: What's so interesting about being Happy? Most of what drives my actions are Interest and Fear. and seeing as covered thoughts about fear and yes a fear of being happy has occurred to me before I will focus on Interest. Interest as it works in my mind is a compelling feeling to find out about, research, and try to understand a subject. how I feel about the subject is at most times irrelevant but whatever I feel about it is strong. And while I understand everyone has different tastes and such I'm not talking about a form of media or your family or politics. I'm talking about a lack of interest in ones own emotions. Of this I stand accused by my own mind. The answer I have for this of which I have no evidence or proof of is simply a lack of time coupled with a less than usual response. Let me attempt to Illustrate. They say both Love and Rage are blind meaning they are sensed rather than reasoned with so if you literalize that for all emotions feeling things is like standing in a dark room. You try and walk around but simply bump and bang into things. This is how and what you feel. You stub your toe on the nightstand of Anger, hear the smashing glass of Fear, and smell the horrible cooking from across the hall of Ambivalence. And yes I consider Ambivalence and emotion not the lack thereof. That is Apathy of something I am intimately familiar with. if you had the time and patience you could identify all of your emotions sense by sense pang by pang. But no one has time for that so you prioritize whatever hits you strongest and rarely ever get to the weakest. That for me is the pin drop of Happy. I'm sure there are others with similar reactions to it but focus on that light vibration to such a degree it's consuming. I urge you to look at things this way and tell what do you really feel strongest about? is Happiness 1st, 2nd, 12th, or does it not really even place like in my case. I don't really find that to be a problem. Sure it has some nasty personality side effects but so does every variation of this thought experiment. I offer Contentment as an alternative to the search for Happy. For me it's a more attainable goal that allows me to focus more on what makes me tick without the withdrawal symptoms of being lost without Happiness. Just realize it address any over-imbalances and leave it alone. To be clear this is by no means a perfect system and if you need support to get stable either chemical or emotional do it. As you may have guess I am on several antidepressants that keep me from exploring the deep dark depths of the void to harmful levels. In fact implemented this new goal of Contentment to keep focus and it helps. This article though sardonic and and sarcastic in parts, in fact I'd call Humor my 3rd strongest emotion, is not to be taken as a war on Happy. Like I said whatever works for you and for all I could prove I could be enunciating directly from my rectum. It's just a thought experiment to explore thing with. So as last time I will leave you with a question: Are you really that Interested in being Happy?